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Driver’s Ed As Taught by Automakers


Students, forget everything you learned in Driver’s Ed or driving school. Driving is not about competently getting from one place to another. Okay, that’s the practical justification. Else we wouldn’t sell any cars. But how dull we would be, and you would be, if that’s all there was to it.

No, driving is about power, speed, status, sex, style, and, yes, recklessness. Above all, recklessness. Watch our commercials. Learn how to behave behind the wheel. Forget the cautious approach your driving instructor tried to drum into you. Develop attitude, indomitability, the brazen lust for hair-raising maneuvers portrayed by the actors we cast.

car-chase-sceneObserve that many play secret agents, crime suspects, even comic book superheroes engaged in wild chases. Note how the featured vehicle never falls victim to the crashes, spinouts and flips the pursuing vehicles do.

The message is clear: our cars have your back. (Important: these scenes are filmed in a controlled environment with professional drivers. You are not bound by such restrictions!)

Another lesson our ads impart. Don’t drive like old women with blue hair who barely see above the steering wheel. Have fun! Emulate race car drivers. Unleash the beast at your command. Leave rubber, accelerate with a roar, squeal around curves, pass view-obstructing trucks on blind curves and just make it, do 360s until your tires smoke, stop abruptly just before squashing a kitten and turn to your passenger and smile.

And of course, don’t avoid snow drifts, blast through them. Drive on dirt roads at speeds that leave dust storms in your wake. Climb desert dunes at impossible angles. Splash through flooded roads like a cigarette boat.driving-thru-snow

Now, we know that streets don’t have traffic cones to slalom around like our commercials do. So use pedestrians. Notice how deftly your car handles, how it lurches with sureness through its human obstacle course. Your safety is our prime concern!

Quick vocabulary review: remember, turbocharge, torque and displacement are far more critical concepts to grasp than blind spot and stopping distance.

couple-in-luxury-carExtra-vehicular activity is also part of your schooling. Guys, practice the smug straight-ahead stare as your club’s valet pulls up and you hand him his reward. Smirk at skirt-whirling females who gaze in admiration as you cruise by, woofers bellowing.

And gals, accept your perennial role as fawning passenger to your testosterone-driven male.

Finally, anytime you need a refresher in any of these areas of driver education, just turn on the TV.

August 27, 2016 • Posted in: Uncategorized

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