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Now that Donald Trump is elected…

donald-trumpNow that Donald Trump is elected…

Will everything he declares a disaster be eligible for federal funds?

Would a heckler be roughed up at the State of the Union?

When 11 million people are deported, will his supporters pick fruit, mow lawns and make hotel beds?

Will he offer tax credits for coal-burning stoves?

Will he look into Vladimir Putin’s eyes and see himself?

Will police be patrolling Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s neighborhood?

Will he brief, then advise, himself in front of the mirror each morning?

Will waterboarding or “much worse” be the preferred method for exposing leaks in his administration?

Will he tweet sexist slurs at female foreign leaders?

Will his climate policy consist of leasing Alaskan shoreline to resort developers?

Will he replace an aging Melania after the first term?

Will The Wall be built by cheap Mexican labor on H-1B visas?

Will a photo op with Kim Jong-un turn into a worst-hair competition?

Will Attorney General Chris Christie drop the Bridgegate investigation? Then spit?

Will Education Secretary Rick Perry eliminate his own department?

Will freed POWs return home to ridicule for having gotten caught?

Will female cabinet members be denied longer bathroom breaks?

Will he build a luxury hotel in the air space above the White House?

Will he give the commencement address at a reopened Trump University?

Will he have to attend a global summit by Skype because he’s banned from the host country?

And will thousands of Muslims cheer from the rooftops of Jersey City if he’s impeached?

November 11, 2016 • Posted in: Uncategorized • Comments Closed

Oh Yes, This Could Be Happening

Rick-Perry

October 30, 2016 • Posted in: Uncategorized • Comments Closed

Driver’s Ed As Taught by Automakers

251014_speeding-car

Students, forget everything you learned in Driver’s Ed or driving school. Driving is not about competently getting from one place to another. Okay, that’s the practical justification. Else we wouldn’t sell any cars. But how dull we would be, and you would be, if that’s all there was to it.

No, driving is about power, speed, status, sex, style, and, yes, recklessness. Above all, recklessness. Watch our commercials. Learn how to behave behind the wheel. Forget the cautious approach your driving instructor tried to drum into you. Develop attitude, indomitability, the brazen lust for hair-raising maneuvers portrayed by the actors we cast.

car-chase-sceneObserve that many play secret agents, crime suspects, even comic book superheroes engaged in wild chases. Note how the featured vehicle never falls victim to the crashes, spinouts and flips the pursuing vehicles do.

The message is clear: our cars have your back. (Important: these scenes are filmed in a controlled environment with professional drivers. You are not bound by such restrictions!)

Another lesson our ads impart. Don’t drive like old women with blue hair who barely see above the steering wheel. Have fun! Emulate race car drivers. Unleash the beast at your command. Leave rubber, accelerate with a roar, squeal around curves, pass view-obstructing trucks on blind curves and just make it, do 360s until your tires smoke, stop abruptly just before squashing a kitten and turn to your passenger and smile.

And of course, don’t avoid snow drifts, blast through them. Drive on dirt roads at speeds that leave dust storms in your wake. Climb desert dunes at impossible angles. Splash through flooded roads like a cigarette boat.driving-thru-snow

Now, we know that streets don’t have traffic cones to slalom around like our commercials do. So use pedestrians. Notice how deftly your car handles, how it lurches with sureness through its human obstacle course. Your safety is our prime concern!

Quick vocabulary review: remember, turbocharge, torque and displacement are far more critical concepts to grasp than blind spot and stopping distance.

couple-in-luxury-carExtra-vehicular activity is also part of your schooling. Guys, practice the smug straight-ahead stare as your club’s valet pulls up and you hand him his reward. Smirk at skirt-whirling females who gaze in admiration as you cruise by, woofers bellowing.

And gals, accept your perennial role as fawning passenger to your testosterone-driven male.

Finally, anytime you need a refresher in any of these areas of driver education, just turn on the TV.

August 27, 2016 • Posted in: Uncategorized • Comments Closed

Half Birthdays Are Coming of Age: Celebrations Optional

Half Birthday CakeOf all the holidays, anniversaries and occasions we celebrate (or are obligated to celebrate), there’s one milestone gaining in popularity partly because it doesn’t impose itself on us. Unless of course we want it to. It’s the Half Birthday. An event we can pull out of our pocket whenever needed for any number of reasons, or totally ignore if we see fit with no one being the wiser. It’s the occasion of convenience. The discretionary semi-anniversary that’s a win-win for those who choose to honor it and those happily on the receiving end.

Half birthdays originally grew out of a need to accommodate two groups: the first, infants and toddlers for whom a year is too long to wait to acknowledge progress in their young lives; and second, those whose birthdays occur at inconvenient times of the year: during the holiday season when they’re all but forgotten; in the summertime, depriving school children of the inevitable classroom party; or at the height of winter when severe weather can put a damper on those who have always yearned for an outdoor bash. In each of these circumstances, celebrating the half birthday is the perfect alternative, a Plan B that in some cases even becomes the permanent day of observance over the actual day of birth.

Now people are finding all sorts of additional reasons (excuses?) to break out the bubbly at the six-month mark. Some may balk that it’s just another day to have to remember, plan, buy gifts for, and make a fuss over. But proponents counter that celebrating a half birthday is entirely optional, that it doesn’t have to be a yearly event, and that no one, if they even know when their half birthday is, is expecting anything anyway.

And that brings up the element of surprise. While it’s becoming ever more difficult to surprise someone on their actual birthday (don’t we all at least consider
Half Party Hat
the possibility and look for telltale signs?), half b-days are another story. Most will be totally caught off base and especially appreciative if you spring a gift or party on them, no matter how modest. Which makes it a novel and thoughtful way to show your appreciation to a coworker, friends, lover, or relative.

Half birthdays have also become a way for parents who are separated or divorced to do something special with their kids if they don’t get to see them on their regular birthdays. And while some adults would rather forget they’re having yet another birthday, much less a half birthday, kids are of a different nature. How proudly they tack on that half-year when asked their age, asserting that they’re five and a half, eight and a half, or twelve and a half. So why not recognize it?

Half birthdays have a place in romance, too. Someone vying for another’s heart can gain a decided competitive edge by making a little ado on his or her “half b.” And what better way to delight one’s better half (especially after a tiff) than with a present on their half birthday?

All of this has not gone unnoticed by entrepreneurs seeking to serve the half birthday market. The everything-half-birthday website Halfbirthday.com is an online emporium of gifts, novelties and party ideas specially befitting the half birthday theme, for celebrants of all ages. Among the Items for sale are a half-dozen chocolate-dipped strawberries, half-b’day onesies, a JFK Half Dollar watch, half caff coffee, semi-half-moon cookies, even women’s “shorty” pajamas. You get the idea.  

February 24, 2016 • Posted in: Uncategorized • Comments Closed

Sorry, Peyton, I don’t believe you.

peyton-manning

Sorry, and it’s sad, but I don’t believe Peyton Manning for one second.

While he deserves the benefit of the doubt, and so far nothing’s been proved, having watched the documentary and his interview denying the accusations, I think he’s hiding something. My gut feeling.

The NFL isn’t in the business of drug enforcement, marriage counseling or health preservation. The fastest, strongest, most brutal play is what drives their ratings and billion dollar revenues. Games are littered with injury stoppages, bodies are hauled off the field incessantly, and the beat, literally, goes on.

So don’t expect the NFL or their financial partners CBS, NBC, FOX and ESPN, to break or dwell on stories like this that might staunch the flow of blood money. Even their wholly owned and paid-for government subsidiaries will look the other way at illegal drug use, and only prosecute on the rare occasion of overwhelming evidence, and then just for show.

Our media could blow the doping scandal wide open in a heartbeat if they wanted to. But it’s against their financial interests. We have to rely on foreign sources like Al Jazeera (who will likely be scorned and reviled for their investigative work), to expose the dirt, greed and hypocrisy of our sports conglomerates.

December 28, 2015 • Posted in: Uncategorized • Comments Closed

At this rate…

climate-change-greenland-florida-2

October 27, 2015 • Posted in: Uncategorized • Comments Closed

The Things We Do for Loot

Marco Rubio & Rick Scott Are Not Scientists

March 18, 2015 • Posted in: Uncategorized • Comments Closed

The Homeland Is Secure!

John Boehner toasts victory.

His record speaks for itself.

Breathe easier, America. The homeland is secure! The DHS has been funded for an entire week! Enjoy the seven full days of safety and security Congress has so courageously fought to provide us. 

And maybe, just maybe, if we’re fortunate enough, our lawmakers will pull off another stunning victory next week and get us seven more days! 

What a guy! What a government!

February 28, 2015 • Posted in: Uncategorized • Comments Closed

The New Christian Ethic

The New Christin Ethic

January 3, 2015 • Posted in: Uncategorized • Comments Closed

Spare Us

Syrupy, sappy Facebook posts

December 31, 2014 • Posted in: Uncategorized • Comments Closed